When Marty and I first got married, we had an old basset hound named, Daisy. She was a cranky old thing. When she would sleep, you had to keep at least a 7ft walking radius around her, because if you startled her, she’d lunge out at you in a half-slumbered rage. Our little yorkie experienced this in the most unfortunate way once, and ended up with 20 stitches, 3 weeks in a cone and the possibility she’d never see out of one of her eyes again…
Come to learn, Daisy had some pretty bad liver cancer. Many tumors. She was in a lot of pain! It was making her cranky… I feel ya Daisy girl! I get cranky when I’m in pain too…
Today I’m on day 68 of straight, flat out, full of nonsense, pain. I haven’t had this many days in a row of pain in a few years. Cancer does that sometimes, and 5 years strong got me like, meh, I’m on the couch, how about I write something finally….
I recently had a friend call (I love you friend!!!). She’s having a really rough time and wanted to talk about it with me. She wanted prayer. She wanted to talk to me because she felt like this season of her life was one I could relate to. She said “This is just a few days of my life, but I feel like this is every day for you, and I don’t know how you do it!”
Pain has a funny way of making people in to people that they just really aren’t. I noticed this early on, in my first year of diagnosis, and I’m so thankful that Jesus has my back, and loves me enough to point out my, well, less than stellar moments 🙂 That first winter back in 2012, I think set a record of some 118 straight days of pain. Ugh, I don’t miss that winter. I’m sure the people near and dear to me don’t miss it either!
Pain makes me cranky. Sitting on the couch this afternoon, I found myself reflecting on how far Jesus has brought me in how I react to the pain. I use to lash out. I think it came from an instinct of, “They just don’t understand pain!” I was frustrated. No one got me.
Then I moved on to self-treatment options. Tylenol, wine, tens unit, heating pads, walking it out. I found myself spending hours walking around Ikea, just to walk out the pain, which concentrates mostly in my legs. Walking it out made me feel stronger, and averted my mind to other things, as I aimlessly meandered through the maze of furniture.
But it wasn’t ever enough. The pain was still there when I got home. I was cranky again. And now I had 18 Ikea items to put together… ugh. I was treating the symptoms and not the cause, and creating a heck of a lot of work for myself!
I’m broken. I have triggers. I have walls guarding areas that needed to be torn down.
I needed to find deeper, longer lasting solutions. I walked out of a pretty long journey through some pretty dark times recently with joy. Low and behold some concentrated time in my word showed me I needed to do some better planning in my life! I needed to be prepared for the implosions of my circumstances. I’m an excellent planner, and finally God was telling me
So, I planned. I prepared. I fasted. Many times, at varying degrees. I trusted in the promptings of my heart, and started doing things I had never done before. In the moments where life is imploding right before my eyes, I want to be 4 steps ahead, not scrambling to react.
Scripture in my head
Joy in my heart
Hope to see tomorrow
and a smile on my face 🙂
I’m continuing to seek after the cause of my reactions to my circumstances, and praying for Jesus to mend my broken heart. I could see the scales of my heart were tipped, and I wasn’t doing enough to weed out the mess and replace it all with joy, BEFORE the bomb goes off. My life is so blessed and I don’t deserve any of it! I need way more Jesus.
Scripture. Joy. Hope. Smile.
What we fill out hearts with is what comes out in the yucky muck of our weakest moments. When my legs were at the worst of the worst on the pain scale, all I could pour out were solutions to my symptoms because all my heart desired was for the pain to go away.
But it’s not going to apparently. And least not until winter is over. I really just needed to come to terms with my circumstance and let Jesus face it head on, instead of constantly putting bandaids all over it. Oh, what a year in the valley can teach!
So, 68 days. I have my moments, and I’m still completely human, but I’m trying to prepare. Recently life tried to pull one over on TeamDuffy, but joy proved to win over satan’s scheme’s every time. When I should have been investing in a flame thrower, I was instead sitting on the floor of the kitchen with a plunger, and a clogged sink, laughing away with my husband about how lucky we are to have everything we have. Joy!
I know I haven’t written in a while, but if you do happen to catch this post today, pray for me tonight. It’s going to drop 40 degrees in the next 12 hours. Those times are the worst.. I’m so incredibly blessed for those of you who faithfully pray for me. I feel it, and I am so incredibly thankful.