Moving back to a town you’ve lived most of your life, comes with some honest expectations.  The buildings are mostly in the same place, the weather is familiar, the stop signs are mostly in all the same places ( I swear they’ve moved the ones I blew last week..)

I sort of drive around like a drone, my body seems to know just what to do without me really having to think..  There’s some trust established there..

What everyone seems to be getting wrong about us being back, is how comfortable its expected to be…. It’s just not.  Its quite uncomfortable.. I gave Marty the example of feeling like I’m a 10 ft giant walking in everywhere, its hard to not be noticed when your 10 ft tall.  Everywhere I turn there’s someone.  Someone from my past.  Someone that knew the old me.  Someone that recognizes me but maybe doesn’t make the connection so then I get a nice long uncomfortable stare…. And two stores later I see them again and history repeats itself.

The old me walked around this town like a zombie.   Going through the motions, avoiding eye contact, getting by uninvolved. The new me has a mission.   An understanding of my life purpose.  A necessary urge to share my life with others.

But I feel out of my skin.  Blech.

Since day 1 with our kids, we were always kind of ‘by our own book’ and against ‘the’ books.  I never wanted to miss a beat with them because I was distracted by what psychology says…. We did things unconventionally.  It wasn’t until recently that I realized why.

We live in an unconventional world.  No matter how programmed our lives are, its not until we push to the uncomfortable levels that we really learn to rely on full, submitted, contractual trust.  I think the amount of faith and trust I’m putting in God right now, insurmountably surpasses the amount I had when I left all that was familiar and moved across country.  I’m in the place that should be more comfortable than any, and I’m anything but.

However, I 100% guarantee, that the number of times I’ve told my 3 kiddos to trust and lean into God, in just these 3 past weeks, is more than I’ve ever mentioned to them in their whole existence as my children.

For the first time in my life I’m not the one giving them the comfort and security that my brain as a parent has instinctively given to them for all these years.  I’m stretched.  I don’t have the answers to their questions.  I haven’t been able to say ‘It’ll all be ok’ as much.  I feel like I can’t be the one to reassure them.

But He is.  And they’re thriving.

They’re hitting their knees before bed, praying for the next day.  They’re walking out the door chanting “Jesus will see us through!”  They’re asking how they can be more like Jesus in a public school.  They’re thirsty to watch more sermons on the computer.



All these years, the expectation of thinking God placed them in my arms because they needed me?  And all this time I missed that all they really needed was for me to usher them to Him!

Living in familiarity can make us comfortable, but yet complacent.  2.5 years ‘out of the zone’ was such a needed wake up call for me.  Who cares what society tells you kids need…  My kids needed Jesus, and I couldn’t see that I was in the way.

Recently when I found out my leukemia was back, someone mentioned to me that they couldn’t understand me. That I had complete faith and trust that it was out of my hands and completely in God’s.  They said ‘ I’m just not there yet.  I just can’t hand it over like that yet.’

I understood it for myself, but not for them, or my kids… And then stretched beyond belief God totally heard me say ‘Take their wheel… I’m not steering so great right now’

I got a Parent D.U.I.M.

Under the influence of Me.  How dumb.  If I had a nickel for everytime I couldn’t read between the thick lines infront of me,  Cha-Ching!

But these newsworthy knuckleheads right here:


They’re killin’ it.  A little expectation can flow into a wholelotta trust if you let it.  To a God that will never fail you.  A God that desires to see you thrive.  And the one and only God that can make that happen.

If you feel like he’s not listening, then double check what your saying to him.  How you’re saying it.  Where your heart is.  All week I’ve been telling my kids ‘If you’re praying for something and its not happening, then maybe thats just not God’s will right now.  Ask him what that is, and I bet what he’s got for you is way better than what you thought you wanted.”



Some areas of influence for this blog came from below.  If you’re struggling with your faith.  If you’re not sure who to trust, or how to pray about it, here are some recent sermons I’ve been studying, to help me get to where God desires me to be.  #workinprogress




{Portions of the two below sermons come from the Basic Series, by Francis Chan found here}



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