It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Valleys can be deep.. I’ve been trudging along in one for a while now. Just when I think I’ve managed to pull my head up, yet a bigger mountain appears and I have to keep digging.
Today I found myself crying my eyes out in the car on the way home from Whole Foods, hiding my head in shame from all the other cars on the road, hoping some hip Millennial doesn’t see me, and in true Millennial fashion jump out of their car to give me a hug and ‘pay it forward’. Jerk.
I thought I was refining right along through my fire, but I’ve come to learn that even strong-willed and super determined me, has a breaking point. Several apparently. I’m pretty good at seeing what’s being worked on, but this time has been different. It’s been everything. That’s so overwhelming. Was I that much of a disaster?
Good news, though. I got my bench back.
I’ve had some of my biggest breakthroughs while sitting on this thing the last few years, reading things, seeing truth for the first time, praying, teaching, consoling, crying. Dumb thing has been in the garage for like a year. Figures. I needed my bench I guess.
I knew the instant I hid my face in the car, that it was time. I’ve been keeping a lot in, and stretching my walls further and further up, to protect my woes from spilling out all over the place. I’ve had some utter breakdowns, mostly with my very most trusted brothers and sisters.
But really, is there any shame in walking through a testing fire? Should there be? Why isn’t it a sign of something great to come?
Well, sadly, I’m not writing to tell you I have an answer to that. Or that I’m through walking in this deep dark ditch (I call it the triple-D-4-Me). But I’d be a complete failure of a Christian that I profess to be if I didn’t say this.
When I’m a mess. Jesus isn’t. When I’m tired HE’S NOT.
After the umpteenth time I tried to give up, I finally couldn’t take HIM shouting at me any more!
“I’m bigger” HE said.
Pffffft. Like I didn’t know that. We sing 18,000 songs about it, and we’ve heard/read/memorized boat loads of verses about it,
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does no faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.” Isaiah 40:28
“Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.” Psalm 147:5
“For the LORD your God is God of gods, and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe.” Deuteronomy 10:17
“Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth. By Your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is to hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17
Blah blah blah. I get it. But today I heard it. I’m like clockwork when it comes time for me to really hear something…. I have a somewhat good day, and for the first time in a quite a while, I turn the music on. I’m not sure why I like to endure my valleys in silence, fear of missing something God might be trying to tell me I guess. But then the day I perk up a bit and turn something on, it’s like a freight train plowing through a room of sleeping babies…
I just want to keep shushing it, and it keeps on blaring through. And then oh great, I’m crying.
“You’re bigger than the universe
You’re bigger than the Sun and the stars
You’re bigger than the things
That can tear me apart..
You’re bigger than, the problems I’ve faced
You’re bigger than, the disasters that I’ve seen
You’re bigger, You’re so much bigger Jesus
Than what this life may bring” Jekalyn Carr
I mean. I hear it and then I go watch every youtube video there is, and sob and sob and sob. That’s how everyone does it, right? I can’t understand how everyone in the audience, standing there listening to these words isn’t balling there pretty little eyeballs out! There’s just standing there clapping, looking around at each other, givin’ the “She’s good, isn’t she?” look…. What the heck people, can you hear what she’s saying! About JESUS!?!?! Ugh!
Because the reality? This life is going to bring more, and we can make two choices. We just mosey on along, singin’ God’ll handle it. OR WE CAN BE HIS HANDS! Hear me, folks. You see it. I can see it. The world is rapidly changing. Let’s admit it. It’s getting scary out there. Tragedies in so many different countries, every single day, I tried starting a list here, but I just couldn’t. There’s too many, how could I choose which ones needed attention? Needed prayer? I’m a little more emotional when God’s working something out of me. But before we all run and hide, sheltering ourselves from the evils taking over this world, hear me on something. If you’re not weeping over what’s going on in the world, every single day,
Then you’re hiding your light under a bushel,
and you need to come out from hiding.
Because he’s BIGGER. Let’s weep with joy for what is to come! HE’S BIGGER!
He’s BIGGER than the cancer I face everyday.
He’s BIGGER than the grief I battle over the son I lost.
He’s BIGGER than the trauma my kids have faced.
He’s BIGGER than what little value I sometimes give myself.
He’s BIGGER than FEAR.
And He sure is BIGGER than all those opposing Him right now!
Let’s shout and pray and serve and love our brothers and sisters RIGHT OUT IN FRONT of this big spectacle of a show going down.
He’s bigger. There’s more coming, and He’s already bigger than that too.